


I Almost Do

by kira_khaleesi



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Based on a Taylor Swift Song, POV Leia Organa, Short One Shot, parent angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23224756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kira_khaleesi/pseuds/kira_khaleesi
Summary: I bet you think I either moved on, or hate you.Because every time you reach out there's no reply.I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to youAnd risk another goodbye.
Relationships: Leia Organa & Ben Solo
Comments: 12
Kudos: 13
Collections: Kira's Songfics, Red





	I Almost Do

He probably thinks that she has moved on, that she has forgotten about him, but Leia doesn’t want to forget her son. 

She wants him back. 

Easier said than done; rebuilding a bridge that has long since faded to ash. 

Leia knows that she has made mistakes. It has taken years of reflection and brutal honesty - with professional help, by herself and with Han - to come to terms with it internally, but yes, Leia made mistakes. She didn’t listen to Ben when he tried to explain what he wanted, what he needed. Sometimes - and she looks back on these days with shame in her heart - she failed to even give him a chance to voice his opinions. 

She was Leia Organa, and she had thought she knew best. 

What she thought she knew resulted in a near-divorce for her and Han, and a divide in the family so big it seems like it can never be mended.

Leia has not spoken to her son in ten years. 

The internet is helpful, from time to time she types Ben Solo into a search engine to see what pops up. Recently, the news and images have been few and far between; he seems to have moved to a more private, less lavish lifestyle. 

That change might have something to do with the young woman she has heard about. On their last phone call Amilyn said that she thinks Ben is going to marry the woman. Leia knows better than to hope for an invitation to the wedding. 

Even if she wanted to call Ben - and she does, she desperately wants to hear his voice - Leia doesn’t have his phone number. Realistically, with the resources at her disposal, she could find his number. She could find his address.

One more than one occasion, she almost has tried.

Leia wonders if that would be any comfort to him; that every time she doesn’t reach out, she almost has. Maybe that’s worse.

The fact that she is afraid, that she does not have the courage to go through with it. Maybe Ben would see that as proof that she doesn’t care and never cared.

In the event that she ever speaks to him again, Leia has been writing letters.

Letters of apology, letters of explanation. Letters to tell him that she loves him and will never forgive herself for missing out on so much of his life. 

Letters filled with things she would say - not just big, sweeping statements, but little things. Reminding him to trim his hair, to stand up tall, make sure he eats regular meals and gets enough sleep. 

Every night for the past year, Leia writes in her notebook of letters to Ben before bed. Then, she looks out the window into the front yard, and whispers goodnight to him. 

She knows it’s silly. She knows he can’t hear her and the likelihood of him ever reading her letters is slim. 

Here Leia stands, lost in thought and staring out the window, imagining what Ben is up to. 

“Leia can you answer that?”

She is pulled out her reverie by Han’s voice, yelling from the shower. It takes her a minute, but then she realizes that the phone is ringing. 

“Call from: unknown number.” The voicemail machine’s robotic voice dictates. 

Shaking her head, Leia walks over to the kitchen and picks up the phone.

“Organa-Solo residence, this is Leia.”

A pause.

“Mom?”

**Author's Note:**

> yes so _I Almost Do_ is technically a breakup song but hey creative license


End file.
